John in Wonderland
by AmZ
Summary: Alice in Wonderland, except instead of Alice, it's John Mulaney.
1. Into the Cellar

John was beginning to get very tired of sitting up against the wall of the bodega where Nick had left him five minutes prior with an admonition not to fall over. Once or twice, he tried reading the Socialist leaflet soaking in the puddle under his nose, but it had no pictures or paragraph breaks in it. Also, the text was blurry, in part because of the water, and in part because John was very drunk.

John was pondering whether the pleasure of going indoors and making Nick buy him somebiscottiwould be worth the effort of getting up, when suddenly a black rat ran past him.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that, it being New York and all. However, as the rat scuttled past his leg through the propped-open bodega door, John was somewhat surprised to hear it grumble:

"Outta my way, pal."

"I'm sorry," said John automatically, for he was a very polite young man, except for those times when he was an enraged gorilla. He moved his leg so that the doorway would be entirely unobstructed, but the rat had already gone inside.

He probably didn't hear me, John thought, struggling to his feet. I should go after him and apologize properly.

The cashier glanced up as he stumbled in, then went back to reading her romance novel. John looked around. Except for him, the bodega was empty of customers. The rat wasn't by the Chinese-language ATM, or the chips stand, or the deli counter, or the shelves with gum and candy.

He walked farther, between the shelves with cookies and cereal. One of the shelves, stacked high with Oreo boxes labeled in the Cyrillic alphabet, had a cat on it. The cat was washing its face and paid John no mind.

"Pardon me, have you seen a rat go by?" John asked the cat.

The cat stopped its ablutions and looked at him with round light green eyes that seemed somehow familiar. Then it opened its huge sharp-toothed maw and creaked out a mew which morphed halfway into a yawn. John decided not to bother it further. It was probably on break.

The shelves with foreign cookies soon gave way to shelves with pasta and condiments, then Goya beans in a rainbow of flavors, then off brand household cleaners. And then, by the wall of phone chargers, all of them for Nokias at least three years out of date, John spotted the rat. It was scampering just ahead and grumbling to itself:

"Fuck me, I'm going to be so late…"

John was about to call out to it, when the floor under his feet gave way, and he fell into the cellar.

Either the cellar was very deep, or he fell very slowly, or the ten nickel shots he had at O'Halligan's were making themselves felt, but John had plenty of time as he went down to look around and wonder what was going to happen next.

First, he tried to look down, but it was too dark to see anything. Then he looked around. The walls werelined with yet more shelves with random items on them. There was shampoo (within reach), tampons (not within reach), and even a TV with old-fashioned rabbit earsshowing a soccer game (West Germany was tied with Netherlands 1-1). There were also old maps of New York on the walls; sun-faded shots of Daniel Aiello; pegs with old-fashioned 1940s newsman fedoras...

At one point, John passed by a shelf stacked with boxes of biscotti and tried to grab one. However, the box snapped at his fingers, and John withdrew his hand with haste.

Down, down down… 'How deep do they build the cellars in these god-forsaken bodegas, anyway?' thought John. 'I must've fallen a mile by now. And I've got work tomorrow. There better be an elevator to take me back to the surface, because I am SO not walking up stairs…'

John tried to calculate in his head how many stairs it would take to go up one mile, and he got so far as 'four and five equals twelve', when he landed into a pile of something soft and pungent, and the fall was over.


	2. The Unreachable Stage

John was not a bit hurt, except in his lower back and his hips and his knees, but that was just ugh, you know, life? He got up from what turned out to be a heap of oily rags that smelled of engine oil and creosote and looked around. It was very dark.

'I must've fallen into a subway tunnel,' John thought and tried to remember which train line ran under the bodega. As far as he knew, there were none. However, it was common knowledge that the MTA had all sorts of spare tunnels, so he was not entirely surprised.

Up ahead, he could hear the Black Rat scurrying ahead and still muttering to itself in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Ratso Rizzo from Midnight Cowboy:

"Fuck me right up my furry little asshole, I'm going to be so fucking late..."

John felt in his pocket and struck a light from his lighter. There were no rails on the ground, but he was indeed in a long, fairly narrow tunnel, and the rags he had so fortunately landed on were indeed stained with motor oil, as were now his jeans. He started ahead, following the echoing mutterings of the Black Rat and soon found himself in a long hall with rows of lamps hanging from the roof – presumably a disused train station.

The lighter in his hand heated up, and John released the wheel with a curse. It turned out that the lamps were aglow, just barely, with a sort of quarter-power luminosity one sometimes experiences in excruciatingly cheap diner bathrooms.

Speaking of bathrooms, thought John, looking around. There were doors all around, and for a while John walked up and down the large, echoing hall trying each one, but they were all locked.

John walked out to the middle and put his hands to his mouth.

'Hello!' he screamed out, then louder: 'HELLO?!'

'…Oh… he-eelloo?…' the echo answered in a slightly oleaginous tone.

Suddenly John noticed a small three-legged wrought iron table with a glass top. On it, there was a key attached by means of a short chain to a cinderblock – a bodega bathroom key, if he ever saw one! Now if he only knew which door it went to…

John grabbed the cinderblock and trotted with it to the closest door. But alas! Either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time around, John came upon a low curtain of red velvet, as though veiling a miniature stage. Behind it was a little door about fifteen inches in height. He tried the key in it, and to his great delight, it fit!

John squatted down on the cold stone floor with a groan, for he was much too tall to be able to look in otherwise, and pushed open the tiny door. It led to a small passage, which indeed opened out to a stage!

Suddenly, John knew two things beyond all doubt: first, he wanted to get to that stage more than he had ever wanted anything in his entire life, and second, wherever that stage was, it definitely had a bathroom.

Tormenting himself with visions of pristine porcelain urinals, a sink with hot and cold running water (for this sojourn to the underground was making him exceptionally grimy), and a well-stocked paper towel dispenser, John got up with another groan and returned to the little table, hoping that there might be another key somewhere on it that he missed.

This time, he found a little bottle on it ('which certainly was not here before,' thought John, for he was not one to miss a bottle anywhere). Round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters.

'Bold of you to assume I wouldn't have if you were unlabeled,' thought John and took a sip. The flavor was confusing (if John had to describe it, it would be as a mix of chicken cacciatore, cottage cheese, and strawberry daiquiris garnished with Ambien), but since he was asked to drink it, John had to be polite and finish it off.

'Well, this is just great,' John thought as he watched the table in front of him grow bigger and bigger. "You better be the one growing, motherfucker," he told the table, "because if I'm the one who's shrinking, I'm going to sue this goddamn city back into bankruptcy!"

But judging by the size of the now-huge doors all around him, John was indeed the one shrinking – in fact, he was now about the size of his own action figure, should anyone ever have the terrible idea to release one. ('Maybe not an action figure,' thought John. 'Just a regular pull-string talking doll with unbendable joints and a repertoire of fifty facts about the Cosby Show.')

When the room around him stopped growing, John thought he might as well take advantage of the situation and go through the small door to the magical stage, but alas! he has forgotten the key with its cinderblock up on the table. He could see it plainly through the glass, and short as he now was, he could no longer reach it.

"To whom it may concern: I don't care for this shit at all," grumbled John as he tried to climb one of the wrought iron legs up to the glass top and slid back down almost immediately. He tried again and again, but he was not an athletic child, and he didn't grow up into an athletic adult, and whatever he was now at ten inches tall, it was not athletic either.

The next time he slid off the table leg onto the floor, his butt landed on something small and hard. It turned out to be a little glass box. John opened it and found in it a brownie, on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked in mini MMs.

'Fine,' said John. 'I'll eat it, and if makes me grow larger, I can reach the key, and if it makes me grow smaller, I'll crawl under the door. And if it's a pot brownie, I'll conk out, and the rats will eat me. Either way, I'm outta here."

He took a bite and put his hand to the top of his head, to see which way he was growing. Annoyingly, he seemed to be the same size as before. To be sure, this generally happens when one eats brownies, unless one eats them to excess over a period of many months or years. But John was miffed.

"Well, that sucked," he said, and finished the brownie in two bites to console himself.


	3. The Pool of Damp

"Now that's more like it," John said as the table started to shrink once more. "Seriously, you don't take a six-foot man and make him a midget. You just don't."

The table continued to recede downward. After a while, John began to worry.

"I'm starting to look like an NBA rookie," he muttered. "Any taller and I'll be able to do no-jump dunks. Which isn't *terrible* but I've got back troubles as it is… What's my life going to be when I'm the size of Yao Ming but without any of the skills? And what's my shoe size going to be now, eighteen? Twenty? Where does one even find shoes that big?.."

Just then his head struck against the roof of the hall. Groaning, he bent down to grab the cinder-block with the key and headed to the tiny door.

Of course, now the idea of getting through it was more hopeless than ever.

"Oh, you think this is funny?!" John yelled into the dark passage to no one in particular. "You think it's funny, jerking me around like that when I need to use the bathroom? What if I go ahead and stick my dick through your fucking door, how about that? You better think hard about this! Do you want me inside your world pissing out or outside pissing in?"

It was a hollow threat, of course. For one thing, the door was too low to the ground to permit such acrobatics. And for another, John knew better than to burn bridges in show business.

He sat back against the wall and huffed. "And now I'm all damp… Can't believe I got sweaty just from screaming. Nick's right, I need to quit smoking… No, fuck Nick, it's his fault I need to pee. 'You gotta hydrate bro…' fuck outta here with your hydration…"

He fell silent. A little pattering of feet could be heard in the distance. It was the Black Rat returning, now dressed in a Billabong t-shirt and four little white sneakers. He was trotting along in a great hurry and muttering to himself:

"He's gonna be pissed, fuck me, he's going to be so pissed if I'm late…"

"Excuse me," said John pleadingly, "is there a bathroom…"

The Black Rat started violently – so violently, in fact, that he slid clean out of his T-shirt and his front paw sneakers, and scurried away into the darkness as hard as he could.

John picked up the tiny sneakers, put the tips of his fingers into them, and began dancing them up and down the stone floor, Charlie Chaplin style.

"What a day," he told himself. "This has to be the weirdest day of my life." And then added: "Probably."

He finger-walked the sneakers over to a pebble and began to drive it forwards and backwards along the wall with little finger-kicks.

"I mean, I only remember, what, 20% of my life past six pm? It's always work, lunch, work, back to Nick's place. Then some club, a set, a couple of drinks, I black out, and then I wake up on Nick's couch and it's time to go to work again. For all I know, I've been here like fifty times. No, that's unlikely. I'd have had the foresight to bring down a chamber pot. Or leave myself a note. Like, 'Hey idiot, open the door first, prop it open, *then* drink from the stupid bottle.'" Or no, I guess I wouldn't, if I never remembered having been here before...

John lay down and stretched out on his back, putting his hands under his head.

"Great acoustics though... Hang some curtains to dampen the echoes, bring in some chairs, and it's almost a theater."

John took in a big lungful of air and began to sing:

" 'Ow do you do? My name's Sweeney Todd

These are my razors, this is my shop

My skin is pale, and my eye is odd

Here I come for you, chop, chop, chop..."

"Hang on, those aren't the right words," he said as the echo faded away. "Well, this isn't good. Blacking out every night is one thing, but if I can't remember Les Mis lyrics, why even live on this earth?"

John sat up and realized something: the sneakers, which had been on his fingertips before, were now big enough to engulf his entire fingers!

He looked around frantically. The ceiling was once more far away, and the doors around him loomed taller than ever.

John got up and ran to the table as fast as he could (which wasn't fast at all, to be honest), managing to grab the cinderblock just as the top of his head passed the tabletop on its way back down.

"Hah HAH!" he exclaimed. "Now if I could just stop shrinking again… Oh no! The sneakers!"

He threw them down hastily, just in time to avoid disappearing altogether.

"Well that wasn't ideal," said John, looking at the cinder-block on the floor beside him and the table, which now loomed larger than ever. "But at least I can go through the oh FUCK ME!"

(He had looked behind him just in time to see the little door blown shut by the draft.)

In a rage, John kicked a tiny pebble with all his might, which was now less mighty than ever. Unfortunately, his foot-eye coordination was also terrible, and instead of connecting with the pebble, his foot simply slipped.

In another moment, splash! John was up to his chin in salt water.


	4. The Sermon on the Bank

"What am I swimming in?" John asked himself as he splashed about, and then added, "which is never a good question to ask yourself."

He was, in fact, swimming in a puddle of his own damp that he had made when he was a giant. The tiny patch of dampness under his butt on the stones had now become a pool that stretched as far as the eye could see, which admittedly in this dark underground hall was not very far.

"Well, it could've been worse," thought John. "It could be pee. Speaking of which…"

Ordinarily, John would be above peeing in the pool like a small child. However, the pool being essentially his own butt sweat, he figured things were already at peak grossness, and adding a little urine to the mix could hardly make them any worse.

Upon relieving himself, John did his best to swim away from the scene of the crime. To John's surprise, after a couple of minutes of vigorous dog-paddling, he realized that he was not in the pool alone. Someone else was splashing nearby. At first John thought it must be a walrus or a hippopotamus, but then he remembered how small he was now.

He hoped at first it was the Black Rat, and he might be able to corner him and get some answers for a change. But it was not the Black Rat. It was, in fact, a French bulldog.

"I should try to talk to her," thought John. "If the rat talked, maybe the dog talks too. But how does one address a dog?"

"WHO'S A GOOD GIRL?!" John called out.

The French bulldog turned its wrinkled face to him without ceasing its dog-paddling.

Oh, right, she's French, thought John. He raked his memory for any French greeting whatsoever.

"Voulez Vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" he enunciated finally.

"What deed you say to mee, you cahcksuckair?" the bulldog replied with a heavy French accent. "Nique ta mère, you sack of bones."

"Sorry," said John, abashed. "It's just that's all the French I know."

"Look at mee, look at ze surprise on my face," said the French bulldog. "Look at how surprised I ahm zat you don't know a sing."

"I know a lot about Law and Order," offered John.

"Ah, you pauvre con," said the French bulldog with what appeared to be a sneer, though it was hard to tell amid all the wrinkles. "Ziss place, eet lies outside lahw ahnd beyond ordair."

"Actually, that's what I would like to know," said John. "Where exactly are we?"

"Where do you sink, you eembecile? New York Ceety."

"I just came from New York City, and it didn't look anything like this."

John tried to gesture with one arm all around him. Beyond the pool of damp, he could now see several fires, hear police and fire sirens, and smell smoke.

"Zis ees ze real New York, mon ami infantile," said the French bulldog. "And now if you excuse mee, I am getting out of this putain de piscine."

John looked around. The pool around them was getting quite crowded. There were floating tires manned by babies armed with knives; there was also a raccoon; a goose; a turkey; a horse, who looked to be as confused as John himself; and a great number of other creatures besides.

With the French bulldog leading the way and John following close, the whole party soon swam to shore.

And what a party it was! It had everything: a wise old turtle that looked like Quincy Jones, a sheepdog that looked like Bruce Vilanch, and a shaved lion that looked like Mario Batali, all of them dripping wet, cross, and uncomfortable.

The babies kept pointing at John, some with fingers, others with their knives. In fact, everything on the bank looked angry with him. The goose was hissing with its pink mouth open, showing two rows of sharp teeth (John gulped). The turkey was puffing out its chest. And as for the horse, John could read plainly in its face: "If you so much as look at me, I will stomp you to death with my hooves."

In short, John felt not just wet and cold but severely outnumbered.

"Silence!" said the French bulldog. "Je suis Petunia, and I ahm the alpha here."

No one disputed.

"Now eef you will listen to mee, I know what will make us all dry," she said. "What is ze driest sing in ze world?"

Everyone looked at each other. No one said anything.

"The world's biggest towel fresh out of the world's biggest dryer?" finally said John.

One of the babies looked at him with especial intensity and drew a pudgy finger across its throat.

"Mass!" said Petunia, as though John had not spoken. "The driest thing of all ees eh Mass. Fazer, s'il Vous plait…"

A priest made his way through the throng. John was mildly surprised to see another fully grown fully human man in this assembly, until the father passed him and John noticed a long wet monkey tail poking out the back of his vestments and swishing back and forth along the dirty stones.

The priest stood in front of the assembly and waited with patently false humility for the din of muttering to die down. Then he began to drone while crossing himself:

"In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit…"

"Amen," answered the congregation dutifully.

"…may the Risen Lord be with you."

"And with your spirit," answered the congregation at the same time as John answered "And also with you."

Everyone turned to stare at him. The priest gave him a pitying look.

"Now wait just a goddamn minute," said John. "I've gone to Mass every week practically since birth. When the priest says, 'the Lord be with you,' you answer, 'And also with you.'"

"You are wrong, my child," said the priest patronizingly.

"I am NOT wrong, father, and if you would consult the missal…"

"The missal is also wrong," said the priest and, skipping for some reason over the rest of the Introductory Rites, continued:

"A reading from the book of Judges: "After the time of Abimelek, a man of Issachar named Tola, son of Puah, the son of Dodo…"

"What?" said a voice from the crowd.

"I beg your pardon?" said the priest coldly.

"You called my name," said the voice.

"I did no such thing," said the priest. "To proceed: 'the son of Dodo rose to save Israel. He lived in Shamir, in the hill country of Ephraim. He led Israel twenty-three years; then he died and was buried in Shamir. He was followed by Jair of Gilead, who led Israel twenty-two years…'"

"Hey father, can we speed up this countdown?" said John, dancing in place a little to stay warm.

"'He had thirty sons," the priest read on through clenched teeth, "who rode thirty donkeys.'"

"This is not working," proclaimed the shaved lion who looked like Mario Batali. "I'm as wet and miserable as ever."

"Perhaps a Psalm?" suggested Petunia. She was now smoking a cigarette, which John found puzzling: even supposing that she somehow stored both the cigarette and the lighter in her manifold facial wrinkles, it was entirely unclear how she managed to keep them dry in the pool.

"Yes, yes, a Psalm," agreed the priest.

A frog in livery stepped forth – the usher, John guessed – and began to sing loudly and badly:

_The bread of God is bread_

_He will bring us bread_

_No one but the one from Jericho_

_Can bring bread to bread_

The congregation hummed along uncertainly. It was plain to see that without pamphlets to guide them, no one knew their lines for shit.

_The bread of bread is bread_

_Bread is God is bread_

Suddenly, red and blue lights began to flash over in the distance.

"It's the police!" said someone in the crowd.

Everyone turned to John expectantly.

"Fuck da police!" yelled John.

The lights came flashing closer. The crowd began to murmur in panic. Then someone yelled:

"SCATTER!"

And everyone ran in different directions.


	5. Eviction

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p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"As he said this, he came upon a little house. There was no name or number on it, but John knew it must be the Rat's. It had a very ratty look about it./p  
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p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"By now he had found his way into a small rat-hole of a room with piles of junk moldering in every corner. It occurred then to John that he had no idea where the Rat kept its various garments./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Fortunately, there was already a T-shirt on the dresser, probably judged to be too dirty to be folded and replaced in the dresser and too clean to toss in the hamper. It had Kanye on the front and Kim Kardashian on the back, and it gleamed with gold paint./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Perfect," thought John. "He's going to a ball, after all, and it doesn't get any baller than Kanye."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"He was just going to leave the room when his eye fell upon an old antique bottle that stood on the night-stand. This time, there was no label on it with the words 'DRINK ME', or any other label for that matter./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Is this whiskey or perfume?" wondered John./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"He grabbed the bottle, uncapped it, and drank all of it./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""It's perfume," he said./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"And it was./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Oh well!" said John. "I know span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"something/span interesting is sure to happen. Maybe I'll grow again. Maybe I'll shrink into nothingness. Maybe I'll get an ulcer! I hope it's the first thing though."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Before he even finished that thought, he found his head pressing against the ceiling, and he had to stoop to save his neck from being broken./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Uh oh," he said. "I shouldn't have drunk quite so much. Well, I guess the first step is admitting that you have a problem."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"But presently John had a much more pressing problem, in that the house was literally pressing on him from all sides. He was now kneeling on the floor, but in another minute, there was not even room for that, and he had to lie down with one elbow against the door and one arm curled around his head. Still, he went on growing, and, as a last resource, he put his other arm out of the window./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""That's it," John said to himself. "This is as small as I can make myself. If I grow any more, either the house goes, or I do."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Luckily for him, the little magic bottle of perfume had now had its full effect. And it was a good thing, because John now occupied practically every single cubic foot of the house./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"On the bright side, his burps smelled delightful./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""It was much pleasanter at home," mused John. "Well, not at home. On Nick's couch. It was much pleasanter on Nick's couch. At least there I wasn't growing smaller and larger all the time, and being ordered around by rats and French bulldogs. I almost wish I hadn't followed that rat into the bodega. Then again, I always did want to grow up big and strong. And I don't know about strong, but I've certainly got big covered now..."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"And so he went on, weighing the pros and cons of his predicament, until soon he heard a voice outside and stopped to listen./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Penelope! Penelope!" said the voice. "Fetch me my T-shirt this instant!"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. John knew was the Rat coming to look for him. Presently, someone tried to open the door; but, as the door opened inwards, and John's elbow was pressed hard against it, that attempt proved a failure./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John heard it say to itself, "Then I'll go round and get in at the window."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""That you won't," thought John, and, after waiting till he heard the Rat just under the window, he spread out his hand and made a snatch in the air. He did not get a hold of anything, but he heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of metal, from which he concluded that the Rat had fallen into a garbage can./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Next came an angry voice - the Rat's:/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Penelope, if you don't come out here with a T-shirt this instant..."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""First things first, I'm not Penelope," interrupted John./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Or whatever her name was," conceded the Rat./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""It's John... hey, what do you mean, 'was'?" asked John sharply. "Is Penelope a ghost? Did you kill Penelope?"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Listen, John, - can I call you John?"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Porcupine, please," said John graciously./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Get the fuck out of my house, John!"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""You were the one who sent me to your house, idiot!" John's patience was failing him. "/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I'm going to send the marshal after you! With an eviction notice!"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""And what's he going to do once he's inside?" asked John. "Drag me out the door that's now the size of my dick?"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Rat said nothing. Possibly he was also mentally measuring the door, though probably not in units of John's dick./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Besides," said John, "I've got squatter's rights now. Even if I am mostly lying down."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"There was a storm of cursing outside, and more metallic sounds, presumably as the Rat climbed back out of the garbage can John inadvertently flung it into./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"And then items began to fly in through the open window. John did not see most of them, as he could not turn his head very well, but one of them landed right on his arm and stuck to it./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"It was the dried pizza slice from the stoop./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John looked at it for a moment./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Eh, I've eaten worse," he said, and licked it off his arm./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"He was delighted to find that he began shrinking immediately. As soon as he was small enough to get through the door, he ran out of the house. Somewhere behind him, there was a scramble and the noise of feet trampling through garbage, but John ran as fast as he could, and soon found himself alone and safe in a forest./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""The first thing I've got to do," he wheezed to himself as he wandered through the forest holding his side, which had developed a stitch from the running, "is grow to my right size again... And the second thing... is to find that stage. And the third thing... the third thing is to quit smoking."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged. John liked a to-do list. The only difficulty was, he had not the slightest idea how to set about it./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"While John was peering about anxiously among the trees, a honk just over his head made him look up in a great hurry./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"An enormous goose was looking down at him with beady eyes./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Nice duckling..." John said in a coaxing tone./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Too old to be a duckling!" said the goose, and added, unnecessarily: "Quack, quack!"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Yes, quite," said John without breaking eye contact with the goose./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"What does it want from me? he thought frantically./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Can I help you?" he finally asked./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The goose said nothing and advanced on John, opening its beak and brandishing two rows of sharp teeth./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John took a step back and began searching frantically through his pockets. He had few hopes of finding anything useful in them, after the swim he had, but it was worth checking./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"To his astonishment, his left pocket did have something in it: a money clip with a crisp $50 bill inside. A clip and a bill John could swear he had never seen before./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'It must be the Rat's!' he realized. 'Mister Rat must've chucked it at me through the window, and it fell into my then-enormous pocket!'/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John looked closer at the money clip. It was engraved with the following devise in beautiful calligraphic cursive:/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;" /p  
div style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: #2a2a2a;" align="center"  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs/span"/p  
/div  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The goose advanced again, hissing and opening its wings as if to beat John over the head with them./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John raised the money clip high over his head. "You want it?" he asked the goose, and threw the money clip into the bushes as hard as he could. "Go get it!"/p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The goose's eyes followed the movement of the shiny trinket./p  
p dir="ltr" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"This seemed to John a good opportunity for making his escape. He set off at once, and ran till he was quite tired and out of breath, and till the goose's enraged honking sounded quite faint in the distance./p 


	6. Advice from a Caterpillar

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""That's it, I've got to grow again," muttered John as he wondered through the woods. "I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other… but the question is, what?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"What, was indeed the question. John looked all round at the flowers and the blades of grass but didn't see anything that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the circumstances. There was, however, a large mushroom growing near him, about the same height as himself. John looked under it, and on both sides of it, and behind it, and then it occurred to him that he might as well look and see what was on top of it./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"He stretched himself up on tiptoe and peeped over the edge of the mushroom, and his eyes immediately met those of a large caterpillar, that was sitting on the top and smoking a bong./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Caterpillar and John looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the glass pipe of its mouth and said:/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Who the fuck are you?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I hardly know, just at present," John replied, rather shyly. "I know who I span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"was/span when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""What the fuck does that mean?" asked the Caterpillar. "Did you piss yourself or something?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""No," said John, you know, like a liar. "But I don't mean changed that way. I mean, I keep growing and shrinking."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Caterpillar giggled a nasty little 'huh huh'./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""What do you mean, 'huh huh'? It's confusing, being several different sizes in a day!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""No it isn't," said the Caterpillar with a smirk./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Well, maybe not to you," said John. "It is to me."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""And just who the fuck are you?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation. John felt a little irritated./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I think, you ought to tell me who span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"you/span are first."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Why?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Here was another puzzling question. And as John could not think of any good reason, and as the Caterpillar seemed quite determined to be a dick, he turned away to go./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Come back!" the Caterpillar yelled after him. "I need to tell you something important!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"This sounded promising. John turned again and came back./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Caterpillar took another long bong hit and exhaled a rather skunky cloud./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""When you grow and shrink," he finally asked, "does your dick grow and shrink with you?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Of course," said John./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""So, like, it's never happened to you that you shrank, but your dick, like, stayed the same size?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""You mean, have I ever turned into a huge penis with a wee homunculus attached to it? No, thankfully I have not," said John. "That would probably be very uncomfortable."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Caterpillar shrugged. "You get used to it in time," he said and put his lips to the glass pipe again./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John thought about it, looked closer at the Caterpillar, which he just noticed was not green at all but a sort of fleshy pink, and decided to stop thinking about it. And possibly bleach his brain when he got home./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Caterpillar took another long bong hit. While he did so, John pondered how to wrap up this conversation. But before he could volunteer any polite goodbyes, the Caterpillar exhaled, coughed, and spoke again:/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""How big do you want to be?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Oh, I'm not very particular as to size," John replied. "As long as it's the same size all the time, you know?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"don't/span know," said the Caterpillar. "Do you like how big you are *now*?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Well, I'd like to be a span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"little/span larger, obviously," said John. "I'm what, ten inches now? Which sucks."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""What the fuck are you talking about?" said the Caterpillar angrily, rearing itself upright as he spoke. "Ten inches is fucking awesome!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""If you say so," said John politely./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The Caterpillar shook his head. "Tell your lady she's fucking spoiled, dude." He then yawned once or twice, and shook himself. Then he got down off the mushroom and crawled away in the grass, remarking as he went:/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""One side makes you larger, and the other makes you small."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'One side of what?' thought John to himself./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Of the mushroom," said the Caterpillar, just as if John had asked this aloud. "Duh. And don't take dick pills. They don't do anything at all."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"In another moment, he was out of sight./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute, trying to make out which were the two sides of it. Since it was perfectly round, he found this a very difficult question. At last, he stretched his arms round it as far as they would go and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Now, which is which?" he said to himself and nibbled a little of the right-hand bit to try the effect. The next moment he felt a violent blow underneath his chin: it had struck his foot!/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"There was no time to be lost, as he was shrinking rapidly. His chin was pressed so closely against his foot that there was hardly room to open his mouth; but he did it at last, and managed to swallow a morsel of the left-hand bit./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * */span/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Whew, my head's free at last," said John in a tone of delight, which changed into alarm in another moment, when he found that his shoulders were nowhere to be found. All he could see, when he looked down, was an immense length of neck, which seemed to rise like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay below him./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""But where did my shoulders go? And my hands, why can't I see them?" He was moving them about as he spoke, with no result except a little shaking among the green leaves./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"As there was no chance of getting his hands up to his head, he tried to get his head down to them, and was delighted to find that his neck would bend easily in any direction. He curved it down into a graceful zigzag and was going to dive in among the leaves, which were just the tops of the trees under which he had been wandering, when a squawk made him draw back./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"A large pigeon flew into his face and began beating him violently with its wings./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Snake!" squawked the Pigeon./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I'm span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"not/span a snake!" said John indignantly. "Leave me alone!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""That's what I thought you'd say, you dumb fucking snake!" squawked the Pigeon and beat him harder./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Look at my teeth," said John and bared his teeth. "See? All blunt. No fangs."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I know a snake when I see one," said the Pigeon. "Long and skinny and squinty-eyed, that's a snake."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'Everyone is so goddamn rude here,' thought John. 'No wonder New York used to have such a bad reputation.'/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""As if it weren't enough I gotta hatch the damn eggs, all alone mind you, with my worthless husband chasing chicks all day, doesn't bring a breadcrumb home most evenings, but I gotta look out for snakes too! I haven't had a wink of sleep in three weeks!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I'm sorry for your predicament, ma'm," said John, who was beginning to understand./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""And just as I take them to the highest tree in the park," continued the Pigeon, raising her voice to a shriek, "and just as I'm thinking I'm free of the damn snakes at last, here they come wriggling down from the sky!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""But I'm span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"not/span a snake, I tell you!" said John. "I'm a—I'm a—"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Well! span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"What/span are you?" said the Pigeon. "I can see you're trying to invent something!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I—I'm a man?" said John, rather dubiously, as he remembered the number of changes he had gone through that day./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Yeah right!" said the Pigeon in a tone of the deepest contempt. "I've seen a good many men in my time, but never one with such a neck as that!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Okay, now, that's just not nice," said John./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I suppose you'll be telling me next that you never tasted an egg!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"have/span tasted eggs, certainly," said John, who was not always a liar, "but men eat eggs quite as much as snakes, you know."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I don't believe it," said the Pigeon. "But if they do, then they're just a kind of snake, is what I say."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"This was such a new idea to John that he was quite silent for a minute or two, which gave the Pigeon the opportunity of adding, "Besides, you're looking for eggs, I know span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: oblique; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"that/span, so what does it matter to me whether you're a man or a snake?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Well it matters to me!" said John. "I mean, sure, I'm long and skinny, and I don't eat often, and I strike out at people viciously when I feel the least bit threatened, but I'm not a snake!"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"There was a moment's pause./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Besides, I'm not looking for eggs," added John. "I'm not hungry. And I don't have a bottle rocket with me."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""And what would you want eggs for if you did?" said the Pigeon suspiciously./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Well, sometimes I like to put a bottle rocket in a carton of eggs," confessed John, "so that when I light off the bottle rocket, the eggs would explode everywhere."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Oh, well, that's every interesting," said the Pigeon with tremendous sarcasm. "And what brought you to that experiment?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Oh well, thank you for asking," said John. "You know how I'm filled with rage? I'm just so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet for it. So... eggs."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"At that point, the Pigeon had heard enough, and she began to flap her wings at John's face again./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"John retreated hurriedly under the tree canopy. His neck kept getting entangled among the branches, and every now and then he had to stop and untwist it. But eventually he got his head back down to his hands and the pieces of mushroom in them./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"He set to work very carefully, nibbling first at one and then at the other, and growing sometimes taller and sometimes shorter, until he had succeeded in bringing himself down to his usual height./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"It was so long since he had been anything near the right size, that it felt quite strange at first; but he got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to herself, as usual./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Well, there's half my plan done! Now I just have to find that stage. This place looks a hell of a lot like Central Park, and the stage is probably at 30 Rock, so all I have to do is bear south, and I'm bound to find it… right? Now, which way is South?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"There was no way to tell. He was on a footpath, however, and he decided to follow it to the end, to see where it ended up taking him./p 


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